No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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