somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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