I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
