how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
