This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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