Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
