On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wish i was in the wii world.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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