I feel great
I just peed on a car
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
