If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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