Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
two words...techno handjob
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
