all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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