I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Randomize
