Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
