I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
