ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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