Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
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