I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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