I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
