And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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