They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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