I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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