My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
