I haven't been this sober since birth.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
