Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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