Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
