I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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