I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
