Will you blow on my dice?
i think my tv is drunk
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
