Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
