The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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