Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
