im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
