Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
