i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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