You work out of a Hotel?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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