I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
