can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
