what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
