there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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