Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
