Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
