I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
