Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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