mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Randomize
