apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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