note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
