we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
