he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
