Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
