I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
